Thursday, November 19, 2015

Sink or Swim

This. Is. Happening. 
Tomorrow to be exact. The first day of the rest of my life is happening tomorrow.
 And I’m scared to death. I feel like that is 100% normal, though. I go in for my procedure at 8 am in the morning. I have this weird antibacterial soap that I have to wash with, and I really want a cheeseburger. But I’m doing okay. I’ll be in the hospital for two days afterward, just to make sure that everything is going okay. I’ve been doing the liver shrink diet for the last two weeks, and it hasn’t been as hard as I’ve expected it to be. I had one really hard day where I was craving something sweet, but I got through it. I am on only clear liquids today, but that is just getting me prepared for tomorrow. This surgery can be dangerous when you have solid food in your system, so they make you do clear liquids before the surgery.
 I’ve spent the majority of my day wondering how I can be this scared and this excited at the same time. I wondered how it was like I could be so ready and so intimidated at the same time. I wondered how I would make it through these first few months. The months that most people tend to have an issue with. The ones who can transition into a depression, and gastric bypass patients don’t even know what is happening. What would I do? Me. The person who fought and scraped to beat depression. What would happen if I fell back into that place? I immediately thought, “Sink or Swim”. Those are the choices that I have. It’s just like the first time I ever swam solely on my own. I remember my dad letting go of me and saying, “sink or swim”. In these new waters that I will be testing, it’s sink or swim. My surgeon is handing me this tool on a silver platter. The only thing that I can do is use it to its full potential. 
I never pictured myself in this position. I never thought that I would be awaiting a surgery to help me turn my life around. But I also never thought I’d get to a place where I was anxiety free. Where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m ready to be comfortable with myself, and to run 5 k’s, and to be excited about clothes shopping. Most of all, I’m ready to be healthy. Healthier than I have ever been. A place where I never thought I would be. Healthy.

I am asking for prayers. Prayers not only for God to calm my fears, but also that he would guide my surgical team. I can’t wait to start this journey. It all is becoming so so real to me. I can’t wait to see what life is like on the other side. Again, thanks to those who are actually following along and read these. It means the world.


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